Nothing’s Fine I’m Torn

“Saying that  I quit but it’s just not true, I say I don’t like it but you know I do.” Bad For Me, Megan & Liz

I’m conflicted. I hate when times like these happen when I can’t even tell what I’m thinking. I try to convince myself of one thing but deep down I’m not buying it? Or maybe I am? I know what I should do, what’s probably best, but for some reason my mind is deciding not to go with the best option, or maybe my heart is deciding. That sounds cheesy.

My last post was about me being all happy because C had finally texted me, and in my mind everything was normal again and we were friends. That’s all good and what not but then the other day occurred. We were driving back from Chicago which was like a 16 and a half hour drive. So around hour 12, I decided I was going to text him, because he said last time that he promised to reply if I texted him. And I was bored. Anyway I texted him asking ‘what’s up’ and he responded. So I was like ‘good, maybe this will help make the drive better,’ and I texted him back. Then I never got another reply. That was it. So he still kept his promise because he did respond that once, but then never again.

I keep trying to convince myself that it’s better to just be friends, and that’s where I need to be because that’s what he thinks of us as. Which is somewhat cool because I love being friends with him but I know in my head that that’s all it will most likely ever be. Last year he pretty much knew I liked him, and one of his best friends was encouraging it, and nothing ever happened besides some intense awkwardness. So I know that just being friends with him is the best option but I still over analyze and over think everything like I used to do when I liked him. I don’t really want to like him because that’s kind of a waste of time and didn’t lead to anything good last year, but I still do? I have no idea.

Tonight my friends were trying to come up with people that would be good for me to go out with, (are we the only ones who play this game?) and I was totally up for it. I keep joking about this older guy I’d like to go out with and get excited over the possibility of attractive new guys in our grade, but I kept thinking of C in the back of my mind. And I.don’t.want.to. Although maybe I do. I still can;t figure out what’s going on. This post is all over the place, but that’s exactly how I’m feeling about this right now, so it fits. Sorry if I confused you…

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August 15, 2012. Uncategorized.

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