Nothing’s Fine I’m Torn

“Saying that  I quit but it’s just not true, I say I don’t like it but you know I do.” Bad For Me, Megan & Liz

I’m conflicted. I hate when times like these happen when I can’t even tell what I’m thinking. I try to convince myself of one thing but deep down I’m not buying it? Or maybe I am? I know what I should do, what’s probably best, but for some reason my mind is deciding not to go with the best option, or maybe my heart is deciding. That sounds cheesy.

My last post was about me being all happy because C had finally texted me, and in my mind everything was normal again and we were friends. That’s all good and what not but then the other day occurred. We were driving back from Chicago which was like a 16 and a half hour drive. So around hour 12, I decided I was going to text him, because he said last time that he promised to reply if I texted him. And I was bored. Anyway I texted him asking ‘what’s up’ and he responded. So I was like ‘good, maybe this will help make the drive better,’ and I texted him back. Then I never got another reply. That was it. So he still kept his promise because he did respond that once, but then never again.

I keep trying to convince myself that it’s better to just be friends, and that’s where I need to be because that’s what he thinks of us as. Which is somewhat cool because I love being friends with him but I know in my head that that’s all it will most likely ever be. Last year he pretty much knew I liked him, and one of his best friends was encouraging it, and nothing ever happened besides some intense awkwardness. So I know that just being friends with him is the best option but I still over analyze and over think everything like I used to do when I liked him. I don’t really want to like him because that’s kind of a waste of time and didn’t lead to anything good last year, but I still do? I have no idea.

Tonight my friends were trying to come up with people that would be good for me to go out with, (are we the only ones who play this game?) and I was totally up for it. I keep joking about this older guy I’d like to go out with and get excited over the possibility of attractive new guys in our grade, but I kept thinking of C in the back of my mind. And I.don’ Although maybe I do. I still can;t figure out what’s going on. This post is all over the place, but that’s exactly how I’m feeling about this right now, so it fits. Sorry if I confused you…


August 15, 2012. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

The Little Things

So I had a really nice post written before, and then it got deleted. I’ll probably write it again, but instead I decided to post something else right now. I wrote this a couple nights ago and meant to post it, so here it is..


“When you walked in the room I thought I’d forgotten you, turns out that isn’t true after all,” C’mon C’mon, Olly Murs

It’s 1:30 in the morning, I have to get up early tomorrow, and I can’t sleep. Why? Because of something that would be considered small to everyone else, but big to me, a text message. From A. (not the pretty little liars A..that’s confusing, so I’m changing the codename to C) Just a text, or maybe the text.

At my friend’s house tonight we may or may not have prank called some people…meaning… we did. I’d never prank called anyone and this was hilarious. Turns out one of the people my friend decided to prank call was C. I would say that this started it all off. You probably think I’m crazy for getting excited over a little text, and I am, but this text had more of a meaning. Things got really awkward between us at the end of the school year, and we hadn’t talked all summer. To him this meant nothing I’m sure, but I tend to overthink everything. I felt like the friendship I spent all year building was fading, but this text brought it back.

The actual substance of the conversation wasn’t much, pretty much just about what we’d done over the summer blah blah blah. But it lasted for a good hour and a half..again, sounds like nothing, but it was something. It reminded me of why I cared so much in the first place and quickly we slipped back into our easy going banter. He promised to text me back again and maybe somewhat jokingly said he’d text me again in a few days. (which he hasn’t so whatever. I texted him, he texted back once, and that was it soo..) 

I titled this post “The Little Things” A. because I’ve always wanted to call something that and B. a text isn’t a huge deal and her I go again making it greater than it is. But what is great is the feeling i have, the happy-ok-we’re-still-friends type feeling. (I don’t think that’s a real feeling..) But again, to him we were always still friends, I may dramatictize things every now and then. I don’t know if I still like him ‘like that’ or like him as friends, but at least the options there. I was never one for prank calls but after tonight I may give them a chance. And yes…we did eventually tell him it was us.

August 14, 2012. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.